a little piece of my heart!

So I was reading something earlier in my books that I got to study for psychology! Even though I haven't started school yet it sure is nice to learn more before I start.lol anyways... I was reading and it had a quote, "live for today. Yesterday is already gone, and tomorrow may never come!" It triggered the cry button in me, and trust me, I hate crying and hate people knowing that I cried, but for some reason the past couple of months it doesn't take much to make me cry! I was crying because what if I died tomorrow? There are so many things that I have wanted to get out but never did because I am so stubborn and afraid noone will listen! So in order for me to start living for my "todays" I have to let go of my "yesterdays"!

This is what I need to say.
To my husband:" I'm so sorry for the being the heartless bitch I was when we moved to kansas! Sorry I don't give u as much attention as u try to give me, and I'm sorry for trying to push u away!" I use to hurt people because I thought they would hurt me first so I wanted to beat them to the punch line. I was the demon killer you see in movies that sucks the life and happiness out of everyone around me because I was lifeless, and unhappy, I'm glad that I finally found the light at the end of my candle because the dark was sucking me in like a blackhole that u can't get out of.

I want to say sorry to the people I have hurt and talked about. Everyone has their different way of living, and I shouldn't have judged. I look back and I say to myself, "why was I that person?, why did I say those horrible things?, why did I hurt the people who I cared about the most?" I finally know the answer. I wasn't happy, so pointing out everyone elses problems made mine look so much smaller, and that was very wrong of me.

I have 1 amazing friend (Kristen) that has been there through thick and thin for the past 8 yrs. We have hurt each other and talked about each other, and we have grown up together! I thank god everyday for her and my family because if it wasnt for their positive views on my life I wouldn't be laying here today. She is an amazing person because she has forgiven me and I the same for her and we have made our friendship grow into something so amazing that noone can break it down!

I have 1 friend here in Kansas. She doesn't know the old me, but I have told her the things I have done and told her how I screwed up some great friendships because of my unhappiness. Granted I didn't get into detail about how my marriage was because that is the past and I don't want her to judge my husband by the person he use to be.


There will always be "the girl that ran away" from me. I will miss her but I will not blame her for the decision she made! I hurt her, when I should have been there lifting her up! But I know that in my heart I will always be able to say, she was good friend to me, even with all the things I said to her.

Then there are alllll the other women I have hurt one way or another. "You were good friends." Some of us were in negative places together and would hurt each other. But I will never hate them. People change, people make mistakes. If I once said u were one of my girls, then u will always have a place in my heart. I love each and everyone of them and always will.

I have always told myself "Love doesn't consist of being perfect, we all make mistakes, but love does consist of forgiving each other for the mistakes that have been made." I love you so I forgive you! Do u forgive me?

I will live for today! I will cherish today, and I will let everyday mold me as a better, more caring, and loving, Mother, wife, friend, daughter, and neighbor!

Wow. Writing that took a lot off my chest!